LegalMatch: Family Law

"My Ex Won't Let Me See My Kids!"

Not all child custody arrangements work out the way we want them to. Visitation hours are too rigid, we don’t see our kids enough, rescheduling becomes a laborious chore… But even these frustrations become minor annoyances in the nightmarish light of a stubborn ex-spouse.

An uncooperative ex can spell heartbreak for even the most determined parent. You arrive to pick up the kids and your ex isn’t home. You arrange to drive your son to his soccer game and your once-spouse has packed him off in a neighborhood carpool. You call to wish your daughter a Happy Birthday, and your ex slams the phone into the receiver.  

The court has granted you visitation rights under child custody laws, and your ex-wife or ex-husband has done everything in their power to violate them. And all you want to do is see your kids.

 

When Your Ex Won’t Cooperate

Difficult exes are one thing, but an ex who denies your child visitation rights is on the fast path to becoming a criminal. No matter what state you’re in, where you’re living, or how far away your spouse is living, you are guaranteed the visitation rights that were granted to you by the court. 

Unfortunately, the enforcement of those rights isn’t as simple as placing a phone call, and a bull-headed ex can make your life a living hell. In this case, your strongest option is sheer determination. If you want to make a case that holds up in court, you’re going to need to make the following a regular routine:

• REGISTER your Visitation Order with the State you live in, especially if it is not the state that issued the order.
• DOCUMENT all instances in which your ex violates your Visitation Order with the police, and keep copies of your police reports on hand.
• FILE collected police reports with the court and ask for a Contempt Violation, then repeat your previous documentation if your ex continues to give you trouble.

Once you have one or more Contempt Violations issued against your ex, you can ask the court to rule for modified custody or, in the case of repeated violations, to rule against your ex as an unfit parent. Either way, the court is very likely to rule in your favor and may even grant you primary custody. In some cases, parents have also been successful in suing an ex for withholding child visitation.

 

Talking To Your Ex About Child Custody Laws

If you feel like your ex might be responsive to a civil conversation, you can also discuss with them the legal implications of their continued Visitation Order violations. Some individuals don’t realize that their actions are criminal, and that they are putting themselves at risk of losing their own custody.

However, you should also be careful to avoid threatening your ex-spouse, especially if you are afraid that they might flee the State. While it is illegal for them to move without first consulting the court (and such an action is a felony in 38 states!), the reality of the situation is that it can be difficult to track an ex who has fled the State. As such, it is always best to try to keep a civil relationship with your ex—even if they’re the one acting like a child.

 

Find a Child Visitation Rights Lawyer

For up-to-date and accurate information on child custody and visitation laws, please visit the LegalMatch Law Library. Access is open to everyone.

You may also use our free legal matching tool to find a family law lawyer in your area.

When Child Care Becomes a Legal Concern.

Nearly all parents want the best for their children. Mothers and fathers alike are often loathe to part with young children, and turning over child custody can be extremely trying—especially for new parents. Whether you’re taking a night off to catch the latest Bond flick, or stealing a week away to recoup from the rigors of child-rearing, your child’s safety is still priority. But even the best-intentioned parents aren’t perfect judges of character.

When Anahi Ferrando joined the Army in 2005(1), she decided to impart legal custody of her daughter, a 5 year-old quadriplegic, to her boyfriend Michael. But while Anahi served in Iraq, her child began to waste away, starved and neglected by the boyfriend assigned to be her legal provider. By the time the child’s grandfather obtained an ex parte protective order, she weighed only 13 pounds.

Child neglect, like that committed by Anahi’s boyfriend, is merely one of several forms of child abuse. And “neglect” can mean anything from inattention to a child’s emotional needs to depriving a child of food and shelter. As child abuse and neglect are both criminal offenses, they should be dealt with by a skilled criminal law and police lawyer.

 

What responsibilities go along with child custody?

Child custody brings many responsibilities to the table, but these obligations may vary depending on the type of child custody involved. In the case of Anahi Ferrando, Michael was given legal custody over daughter Jade Anzures. Legal custody is the most extensive custody that can be given over a child, giving an adult the right and obligation to make decisions about that child’s upbringing. This obligation extends to cover healthcare, religious, and educational decisions—but it also means that the custodian is entrusted with the safety and well-being of the child in question.

Michael violated his child custody obligations and crossed over into child abuse when he chose not to provide proper food or care for 5 year-old Jade. Grandparents custody and visitation rights were invoked only after it became clear that Anahi’s daughter lacked proper parental care.

If you would like to extend custody for your child to someone else, or would like to claim custody of a child that you feel is improperly cared for, it is in your best interest to consult with a family law lawyer. However, if you ever suspect that a child is in immediate danger (in an emergency situation), please call your local police station or State Child Protection Agency.

 

(1) The Salt Lake Tribune, "Man accused of starving G.I.’s quadriplegic child plans to fight charges." 27 July 2007.

Ten Relationship Tips for Divorced Parents.

As a divorced parent myself, I know from first hand experience how difficult life can be when you're now juggling numerous relationships, the majority of them having been modified in some way or another by the divorce. Of course the primary altered relationship is that with your former spouse and to whatever degree it's probably only a bruised one at best, only slightly singed by regret, guilt or anger. 

Here's ten tips that I picked up from the Kentucky Family Law Blog that were in turn pulled from one of Nolo Press's many fine books and articles. These tips were authored by Emily Doskow - they sure would have been helpful to me those many years ago.

1. Be Flexible

Where your children are concerned, the best present you can give your child is to head off conflict about special days like birthdays and holidays. The collaborative rule for you in this situation is adjust your agreements to fit your kid’s needs.

For example, if the kids express a strong desire to spend a holidays or birthday with your ex, understand the importance of allowing them to do just that, regardless of whose time it is “officially.”

2. Be Proactive and Plan Ahead

Always keep in mind that your new family arrangements require much more planning than when everyone was living under the same roof. One way to avoid disappointment is to communicate early and often with the children and your ex. Give your children’s mom plenty of time to think about your proposals and to respond. And keep in mind that pushiness usually produces more resistance than cooperation.

3. Be Kind and Generous

Especially during holidays, keep any bitterness you still feel over the divorce between you and your ex. If you can’t say anything nice, just smile. Avoid putting the children in the awkward position of taking sides. Be as generous as you can with your kids about their relationships with their ex and the rest of the family. Encourage them to talk about the gifts they received and activities they engaged in with other family members they see over the holidays. Let them know they can show happiness with both parents. Help your children shop for the other parent, as well as their sibling, grandparent, or stepparent.

4. Keep Your Word

Be particularly careful to follow through on whatever promises you make related to the holidays. It’s extra important to keep promises to your kids around holiday times — the holidays are a big deal for kids.

5. Include the Kids In Your Planning

Whenever it’s reasonable, let your children help make the choices about when and where to celebrate the holidays, and with whom. But before asking their opinions, make it clear that all plans must be cleared with everybody involved. This will help teach your kids to be part of the collaboration between you and your ex.

6. Create Two Holidays or Birthdays

Having two holiday or birthday celebrations for the children — one at your house, one at Mom’s — is often a positive solution for extended families. Just make sure that the plans you make are collaborative and that they are made well in advance. This arrangement reinforces for the kids that they have two homes and cements new family rituals and holiday customs.

7. Avoid the Indulgence Trap

Many divorced parents, especially dads, are still reeling from their personal hurt and guilt over the divorce. They may be overwhelmed by these feelings and respond to the children’s pain with too much money or too many gifts. Try to stay away from this unhealthy dynamic with your kids.

8. Take Care of Yourself If You’re Alone

Holiday time can trigger a resurgence of memories and melancholy feelings, especially if you are surrounded by couples and families. As holidays or birthdays approach, if you know you’re not going to get to see your kids, be sure to make your own special plans for the day.

9. Build New Family Traditions

Divorced parents, especially dads, often make the mistake of trying to duplicate exactly the pre-divorce family traditions. But you’ll be much happier and more satisfied if you create your own traditions for your new family.

10. Nurture Your Blended Family at the Holidays

If you remarry or get into a committed relationship and your new partner has children, they will undoubtedly have their own ideas about how to celebrate holidays and birthdays. Discuss with your new partner ways that you can bring together the children from both sides of the family, and get all the kids involved with planning what you’ll do together and incorporating everyone’s traditions.

Birthdays and holidays are special times for you and your kids. Communicate clearly and stay calm and flexible, and your extended family will have something to celebrate.

For more information and advice, check out our Family Law Forum.

The Importance of the Parenting Plan Process.

Many states now require parents to go through a process called Mediation.  Mediation offers parents a controlled environment in which to discuss and establish child custody and visitation arrangements that are in the “best interest of the child.”  The mediators, or “ringleaders” of this whole process, are to be neutral, listen to both parents, help you decide important decisions regarding your child/children, and ultimately make suggestions to the judge.

During a divorce, there often is so much resentment and anger that parents don’t realize that every comment and action is picked up by the child/children involved and ultimately have a negative effect on their lives.  Despite your anger you need to start thinking about the feelings of your child/children.  Right now you absolutely HATE your soon to be ex-spouse but your child/children don’t feel the same way.  To them your ex is their best friend, confidant, and biggest fan.  Do you really want to be the one to try and convince them otherwise?

Prior to entering Mediation think about the type of arrangement you would like to establish.  Who will have Physical Custody?  Will you both share Legal Custody?  Think about where your children will go to school, church or daycare.  Will you and your ex-spouse be living in the same town?  What are your work schedules like?  How will you split transportation expenses from one parent to the other?  How will holidays be divided?  These are all questions that you will want to have answered during the Mediation process.  Your parenting plan should be detailed enough so it is understood and enforceable.  If you have your sights set on making this process work you may even want to read a great book that I recently came across.  It is called The Co-Parenting Survival Guide.  You can read an excerpt here.  This book spells out a dozen golden parent agreement rules that I think all parents should agree to and sign.

What should you bring with you to mediation?  You should without a doubt have a calendar for the current year and maybe even the following year.  This way there will be no question regarding specific days for visits, holidays, etc.  You and your ex-spouse should also bring any and all information you have about your child/children including medical and school records.  I guess the most important thing to bring with you to Mediation is a positive attitude.  Remember you are establishing a Parenting Plan for your children to adjust properly and become productive members of society.  It is hard enough for them to realize that mommy and daddy are no longer going to be in the same house.

I believe that Whitney Houston sums up the importance of our children in her song “Greatest Love of All.”  I will leave you with the following lyrics:  “I believe the children are our are future.  Teach them well and let them lead the way.  Show them all the beauty they possess inside.  Give them a sense of pride to make it easier.  Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.”

By Lisa Zanassi